The Turning Point

So as of this week, I think we are officially getting into the turning point of our time is a long-distance, deployment-smothered couple. Things are finally feeling like they're right around the corner, and we're having so many positive experiences that I can just feel it--it's just so close!!

I taught my first full day today, and it went really well! My supervising professor came and observed me, and afterwards the only things she had to say as far as improvement goes were (a) I messed with my bra strap--which was kind of weird to me, and (b) I need to walk around the room more--but we were watching a video clip for a good portion of the class, so I couldn't block their view. So, I think it went well and I did pretty good for my first day taking on all classes all by myself.

Also, a colleague (even though I'm not technically employed) of mine at school asked me if I played soccer, and I was like "Well, yeah!" and he invited me to play on his team in the adult co-ed league in the area. So, if you've been following my journey, you'll know how much this means to me. I'm so excited to play again. It's only a game a week with no practices, but that's enough for me. I want to help coach girls soccer at my student teaching school, too.

The other most awesome thing is that we are winding down the housing search! We've found a few different properties and have contacted the agents. It's just so scary because I have to put a lot of money into a place that we can't step foot into until it's already ours. I have a friend who agreed to checking out some places for us so that she can let us know if they're gross or not, and that will be a huge help to making me feel better about committing to a place. We have two favorite places that are in two different complexes, both in Mililani, which I consider to be a "suburban" area in Hawaii. Nice housing, nice schools, movie theatre, lots of restaurants and stores, but not quite a busy city area. The best part is that it's only like 5-10 minutes from base. My husband likes to come home for breakfast and lunch so that his dearest wife can cook for him and take off his boots (don't worry, I don't really take off his boots for him).

The first place has amazing floors and is over 700 sq. ft. with 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom, which means the bedroom will be a decent size. The second one is a little more expensive, but has AC (unlike the first) and two bedrooms, which will be nice for an office space and occasional family visits from Virginia. So we shall see!

I also am almost finished moving everything into our storage unit. The movers come this Friday, so I have one more day (plus a few hours Friday morning), and all I have to do is move about 4 more bins in to it--so like one more trip! Then, I send our vehicle off a week later. Back to the good 'ole '93 Jeep Cherokee for a few months!

We're almost there...

Angry at the World

Today I have been very bitter and angry. David and I often have these days, sometimes on the same days, sometimes different, and we understand it. Even though I know I'm so lucky to still have him, still have us, have the opportunities I do, I still get angry at the world. David cannot call me for at least a week, so I'm going to vent to my blog instead. Today I've been angry at (1) my inability to still be an athlete, (2) my lack of routine this semester, (3) just being in school in general, (4) and the obvious one, I want my husband home.

#1: My inability to still be an athlete.
From the time I was 5, I have been an athlete. I started playing soccer at that age, and just recently had to quit my team at school in order to give my full time and effort to the academic side of college. Soccer has always been my release, and it's always been where my confidence came from. Running sprints until I was barely breathing, all of the bruises, doing overtime in the gym, the muscles in my legs, that's where my strength has always come from. Physical strength has always been the source of my overall strength. Nowadays, our soccer field is in my apartment complex, and when I come home from class every night, I see the lights towering over the apartments, lighting the field where I know they're practicing at that very second. Instead of driving towards those lights, I have to keep on going so that I can get in my bed and fall asleep with a stack of books where my husband used to be. Just to work out alone would make me feel like myself, but I can't even do that. Between 19 credits and teaching at the same time, working out only stresses me out more. I tried it a few times this semester, and when I was done, I didn't feel accomplished. I felt like I had abandoned my school work for too long and now I was behind. So that leads me to #2 and #3.

#2: My lack of routine this semester.
This semester for one of my classes, I have to student-teach for 50 hours. MWF I have classes all day, so Tuesday's and Thursday's, I will be teaching from 8am-3pm. I started off this semester with those days open still, as I was waiting to hear from my university as to where I would be teaching. I used those days (during which I only have one night class) to do all of my work for that week. Well, I got my placement finally and started teaching on those days. I lost that time do my reading, and had to cram hundreds of pages of reading and papers into just 2-3 hours every evening. Any Senior English major can tell you that's not enough time to read. Then, I had a bad experience (not by my doing) at the school I was teaching at, and my university wanted to remove me from the environment. So now, I've stopped teaching and am waiting for yet another placement. This means my Tuesday's and Thursday's are open and I'm comfortable with having those days to do work again. Well, by the end of next week, I'm supposed to get my new placement, which means I'll be teaching again and have no time to read again. Can you see how this can be miserable for any college student who needs to time-manage? And even worse, for the wife going through a deployment who needs routine to keep the days moving fast and to keep her from losing it?

#3: School, in general.
I'm so burnt out with school. I just bought my Praxis II: 0041 test prep book from Books-A-Million. I took the practice test online and missed only 3 questions, which I feel is pretty decent. I'm so tired of reading its not funny. My kids will not be reading Aristotle, Plato, Horace, or any of these ancient, philosophical writers. Nor will they even be studying literary theory or anything near it. So why in the heck do I need to know it? I have headaches every single day because I spend 99% of my time awake reading tiny, black words on a page. That's with my glasses on. I read about five different literary critics, each whose essays are about 10 pages long and are on the same topic/idea. I take a quiz and am supposed to remember which one is which. No chance. I just want to teach. I have read more literature in the last 4 years than I will ever teach as long as I live. I don't want to win English Jeopardy. I just want to be in my classroom, reading The Great Gatsby or Lord of the Flies, teaching my students what a gerund is, showing them how to write an essay. I hate school.

#4: I need him home.
The inevitable. I have been looking through our pictures all day. Thinking about what it feels like to have a husband, a man, in my life. The toilet seats left up, the face hairs in the sink, the Army green socks scattered all over the place, the "Babe can you make me breakfast?" as soon as we wake up. There is something just perfect about the balance between man and woman. I never feel more "this-is-right-where-I-should-be" than when I am taking care of my husband--cleaning up after him, cooking for him, rubbing his back after work, shaving his neck. Not having my husband home makes me feel incomplete and unbalanced. I need his strength, his warmth, that safe feeling, the laughter, the whimsy. The pictures don't do his smile justice. I wouldn't be so angry at the world if he was home. I wouldn't be stressing over school if he was home, because he reminds me that I can get through it. He'd go to the gym with me, or better yet, go kick a ball around with me. He'd tell me I'm being crazy right now and to get over myself, and then hug me, and I would get over myself. But I don't know where he is, what he's doing, or when I'll hear from him again, so I'm supposed to find that strength somewhere--that strength that is currently MIA.

I am currently in my bed with the Praxis II book, a Norton Anthology of American Literature: Vol. D, a pen, and orange highlighter beside me. I think for tonight--seeing as it is my Fall Break--I'm going to put it all on the floor beside my bed, and sleep until I'm ready to start tomorrow off a better day. Well, maybe I'll put away the anthology and keep the Praxis book...

Updating: A few minutes after publishing this, I go check my Facebook. I'm a fan of Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives. Their current status: ‎"Arise, cry aloud in the night at the beginning of the night watches; pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord. Lamentations 2:19" It's amazing the way He knows exactly what I need, and plants little things like that right in front of me right when I need them. I know where I have to get that strength from. There is no such thing is MY strength, it is only the strength that HE gives me.


PS: But I'm still going to read my Praxis book.