Down to the Wire

I probably won't get to post very often in the next three weeks. They are my last three weeks of my semester, and they are guaranteed to be the craziest three weeks of my college career. But you can look for an "I MADE IT!" post soon :)

So, this weekend, we finally got a new car!! We got a 2009 Ford Edge SEL, and so far, I'm in love! After our first run in with credit checks and financing, I think we're going to bite the bullet and have to get a (joint) credit card to start hiking up those credit scores. Neither one of us wanted a credit card, ever, but it seems its the only way to start out when it comes to building really good credit. It kind of sucks how the government pretty much forces you into having to have a credit card in order to drive a decent vehicle and have a roof over your head. We'll be buying a house in about two years, as well as another car, and getting close to starting a family, so there are many things that will require good credit in the next few years! This new car payment will kick start that. I'm the only one who has credit right now, and only because of my school loans. We're still youngins!

The  exact year, style, and color of ours!

Also, I start teaching my new unit tomorrow on Veteran's Day and Cultural Awareness through reading. Seeing as I knew my unit would take place during Veteran's Day, I figured it was a good opportunity to make students aware of the military and veteran culture in the United States and all over the world. We're going to be focusing on Tim O'Brien's "The Things They Carried" (1990). We'll be discussing the historical fiction genre--what it is and why it's important. Then we'll be reading the first chapter of The Things They Carried, which is, of course, historical fiction. Then, students are going to write "friendly" letters to a soldier and tell their soldier about something they carry. I'm going to be sending these letters to David's unit, and I'm hoping David can snap some photos of some of the guys reading the letters--or even get them to write back and tell the kids about something they carry, and I can give them to the kids. They'll eat that up. Then the second part of my unit is a PSA for military and veteran affairs. I'm going to give students a list of current issues or debates in the U.S. military/government, and assign groups to script and record a PSA on their issue. We'll be going over the characteristics of a PSA beforehand and watch examples on the Ad Council website. As my bio reads, I have wanted to join the military (I went back and forth between Army and Navy for a while, and decided on Army), and I've always been interested in historical fiction and movies on war. My favorite movie has been Cold Mountain since I was, like, fifteen. So, I'm hoping my passion for this will transfer to the kids, so at the end of the unit they've learned (1) how to do a friendly letter and PSA, (2) why historical fiction matters, and (3) awareness of other cultures--including military culture, "enemy" cultures, and war culture in general.

David should be back in the next few hours, so I'm looking forward to talking to him and telling him that we have a shiny, new car! I'm really nervous he won't like it or he'll think I could have gotten something better, price-wise, but it was the second best deal within 50 miles of my home zip code. I test-drove the "best" deal before I went to go see and drive this one, and it was surely not the best deal. It had awesome features (leather heated seats, sunroof, navi, etc.) but there were some nice dings in the paint, the right blinker was out, and the worst was some horrible clicking sound in the right rear axle. I told them if they fixed that, I'd take it, but they said no, so I found an amazing second choice that I'm very happy about. I just hope he will be, too!

So that's where this week is headed. In about 20 minutes I have to leave to go to campus to be interviewed by NCATE--the national accreditation folks. They're more or less going to see how well my university has done at preparing me for my career. Then it's class at 4 and time to prepare for Day 1 of my unit :)

Looking Frazzled

Well, these last few days have been more than rough, to where it's starting to show on the outside. I walked into my 4:00 class and the first thing out of  my professor's mouth was "Colleen, you are looking quite frazzled today." (Or something like that). I just said "Oh, I am." and told her about everything going on in my life right now. She's my adviser and I've had a few classes with her, so she's had insight into my life and how it's changed in the last few years. In other words, she's aware that I'm just about to lose it every day, so I always feel comfortable telling her about all the crazy things going on. Well, I'm just not a secretive, introverted person to begin with; I'm likely to tell anyone anything.

I went to the doctor and got medication and an exercise to do, and four days later, I hardly feel any difference. Of course, I haven't been taking the Flexeril (muscle relaxer) because it knocks me out for literally, like, 16 hours. Last night, the pain was bad enough that I emailed my 11:00am professor my mid-term paper that was due today and told him I was going to have to take the pain medication and be knocked out tomorrow morning. Thankfully he was understanding. Sure enough, I took the medication around 1:30am (I was up late writing a paper) and it wore off at around 1pm today. That's only half a pill. I'd be in trouble if I took a whole one. Anyway, because I'm not feeling any improvement, and at times it hurts worse than ever, I'm skeptical about the "muscle spasm" overuse diagnosis. I'm leaning more towards herniated disk in my cervical spine.

I start teaching again on Tuesday--oh, wait--tomorrow is Tuesday! Aaah! I'm always so nervous when I get a new classroom. You never know what your kids will be like or how they'll take to you. I always try to dress really flashy and cute on my first day so the kids will relate to my youth and think I'm "cool." As fake as that might be, it works with kids who are so focused on fashion and appearance. Then, once they get to know me and I get to know them, I can be more laid back and real with them. I'm doing a unit on Veteran's Day using Tim O'Brien's "The Things They Carried". I'm having  my students learn about historical fiction through the reading of the first chapter of that novel, and then they'll be writing their own narrative piece about something that they "carry" in a letter form. I'm going to send these letters to David's unit. I practiced this unit on my classmates, and in turned into a very emotional classroom experience. One girl in my class said that she carried the burden of her father's failed business and their economic hardships and she broke down in tears when she shared with the class. While those situations are awkward and a little uncomfortable, I embrace them. I think too often students are treated like robots who aren't real people. When you tap into the sense of community and relationships in the classroom, the entire year goes much better. All my future students better be prepared to do a lot of soul-searching amidst the English learning.

The big stress lately is in the family. A close family member of ours has landed himself in jail due to a horrible decision. He was arrested on the 26th, and he's been in jail for the past few days, but my husband has decided to bail him out, so he'll be out tomorrow until his sentencing in a month or two. We think he'll be sentenced to around two years. The entire family--me, my husband, my father-in-law's siblings--we've all been so torn. We're angry, sad, confused. It has been really hard for me to understand how he could do something like this when David is fighting a war for him. I'm so angry with him over that. He knew how much of a burden his actions would be on David. But then I know he's sick and he doesn't even realize what he's doing to himself and his family. And that makes me sad. And my heart is breaking for my husband, who is so hurt by all of it. And then I get angry again when I think that David was even put in the position to have to deal with this when he's deployed and should be focused on his job. I really felt--well feel--that he should have stayed in jail, because I don't think he's well enough to be exposed to a world plagued with alcohol and drugs right now. David was set on not bailing him out, and then all of a sudden changed his mind. I think David feels some sort of responsibility--like he has to save him. I feel that if David  being deployed and risking his life for him isn't enough to keep him away from slowly killing himself--and possibly others, then him bailing him out isn't going to be either. But my husband made his decision, and I'm going to support whatever he decides to do. I just hope I won't have to say "I told you so." I really care about this family member and love him like my own blood, and I just want him to get better. My husband is amazing, and he deserves the best family that God can provide. I want him to one day be able to have this person back in his life, sober, because that's what he deserves. This has really taken an emotional toll on me the last few days, and now that he has decided to bail him out, I'm even more stressed because I'm worried what will happen when this person is back in the real world, where he can just further destruct himself and others. A month or two months is a long time for someone to stay sober when they just got arrested for it a few days ago. I've realized that all I can do is pray for the best, and pray for understanding. David is handling it okay, but I know he's stressed and upset about it, too, especially today when he had to make the decision on whether or not to bail him out, when the rest of us think he should stay. I know he's going through so much, and I'm just praying for God to give me the right words to say to try and make things better and easier on him. So yeah, that's that.

19 A man of great anger will bear the penalty, FOR IF YOU RESCUE HIM, YOU WILL ONLY HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN. (Proverbs 19)

Also this week, we get our big paycheck for backpay. Tomorrow, actually. We're very excited that it's finally going to be in our account. This also means it's car-buying time. On Thursday I'm going to our credit union to get preapproved, and then this weekend I'll be car shopping. I have a Ford Edge, Nissan Xterras, and a few Jeep Commanders to look at. So that's exciting, but as much stressful as exciting. I just hope the financing and insurance processes go smoothly. My step-dad is going to help me through all of it seeing as David can't be here.

So yeah, there's an update on my current state in life. Things are pretty hectic, and my eyes have stayed puffy and red with tears. But I always remember that just the fact that my husband alive is enough to feel like I have the greatest life ever. Through the ups and downs, I love my life, I love my family, and I love the heck out of my husband.

"Tired, but not the physical kind"

Those were the words my husband said to me today when I asked him if he was sure he was okay, and he was speaking for us both. We are pushing through these last few months of deployment, but were are both just mentally and emotionally exhausted. Yesterday I had a rough day. Today he had a rough day. We both explained them as being "tired." Of course, not just because we haven't slept. I think we're finally getting to that burnt out stage; well, we've been there from Day 1 considering even before deployment we were 6,000 miles apart. This is the real burnout though. I know I'm just tired of being alone. I hate having to make all these decisions and do all the paperwork with our pay issues, car-buying, and condo-renting by myself. Not because he doesn't want to help, but because he realistically can't. Don't even get me started with school. That's enough to drive anyone crazy. I honestly think that school stresses me out more than the deployment itself does. Really. But as he reminded me, I have less than 60 days left. Actually, half that many. THIRTY-TWO! That's just crazy. Then I get to move home! I'm so excited to move home. I love my little apartment, but I think moving home will be good for me as far as finishing out strong in the last few months of deployment. I think it'll be really motivating when I move home and start packing all of our stuff in boxes to send off the Army's movers. I'll be sending our stuff in late January/early February. And on Black Friday I'm going to look for our TV. I think I'm going to wait on furniture and trust him to get it when he gets there. Don't doubt he'll be getting a list of musts with lots of pictures ;)
My puppy is howling in her sleep--she's so cute!
I called Kenner (our Army Clinic) and apparently they're closed on Saturday's, too. Looks like I'll be driving back during the week amidst all my classes. This neck issue is getting out of hand. It's starting to be near excruciating like someone is holding a lighter up to my skin. Every little bump I hit on the road when I'm driving makes it "catch fire." Not cool.
So after a lot of pondering and discussion, David and I have officially decided 100% on the vehicle we want. We're getting the Ford Edge. It's a crossover. I think it's kind of girly, so I think I'll be driving it when we get a second car. Apparently like a month ago he said he liked them, and I said they were ugly. I guess they grew on me because today I said "You know what the Ford Edge looks like? I think I really like them." and he told me that was the car he talked about that I said was ugly. Oops :)
I've been watching the Giuliana and Bill marathon on Style today. They are the cutest couple in the world. This whole miscarriage thing is totally bumming me out though. I can't even imagine. And now, knowing she has breast cancer and that's the reason she hasn't been able to get pregnant--even worse. I don't typically get attached to celebrities and their stories, but they seem so "normal" on their show.
Anyways, time to go write up some lesson plans to teach on Monday. I'm doing a unit I've titled "The Power of Words: Writing a Proposal for Change." Hoping my Papa Johns delivery will get here sooner rather than later. I'm STARVING.

Just one of those days, or a lot of those days.

I just got back to my apartment from a day at home with the family. I went home to get our new phones, but then received an email that they won't get to my house until Monday. So looks like Monday I'm driving all the way back home. I have to go to Fort Lee anyways now to try this DA5888 one more time at their EFMP. Hopefully this time it'll be the right signatures and so forth. That will be the beginning to the $13,000+ back pay they owe us for the last 7 months of screwed up and "lost" paperwork. That sure does happen a lot in the Army. It's Oktoberfest Weekend here at Longwood University. Lots of bands (including Chuck Wicks, Young Joc, and Augustana). Everyone has friends from all over the state in to see the bands. I think 90% of the campus is already drinking (and probably drunk) right now and it's 5PM. What am I doing? Researching cars so that I can get a car in November or December when the new 2012's come in so that I can send it to Hawaii so David has a car there. We really like the 2010-2011 Ford Taurus, but they seem hard to come by because they just reintroduced the model. It isn't a grandma car anymore!

This weekend has been a tough one for me, and well, for us. I always thought that sending him back from R&R would be easier because we've done it before when he first deployed. Boy, was I wrong. Sending him back this time has been 100 times harder than the first time. I got used to having him safe in my arms again--I had forgotten what that felt like for the first half. It was a big 'ole tease of what it's going to be like when he's home for good. So I miss him even more than I ever did. Now that he's back and leaving the wire all the time, I feel as worried and miserable as when he first got there in April. This happened when he first left. For the first month and half, it just sucked. I was an emotional wreck, so stressed, and doing everything I could not to appear that way on the outside. I am there, once again. I am taking 19 credits (that's 6 classes--3 of which are 3-hour night classes), teaching from 8am to 3pm every Tuesday and Thursday on top of being a student, trying to get our command sponsorship paperwork done, trying to fix our pay that they've messed up for the last 7 months, trying to find a car for us, trying to switch to Verizon already. It is all so overwhelming to do alone. I always feel like everyone's staring at me thinking to themselves, "Poor girl. She looks like she's about to fall apart." Or "Good God, she looks like she hasn't slept in a week." I guess that's just how I feel on the inside, so I feel like it shows on the outside. Hopefully it doesn't. I know I'll get used to it again like last time. I just wish I would hurry up and get it together. I guess he just left two weeks ago, and I'm still trying to get into a routine with both teaching and classes this semester. I should probably give myself more credit, but when I break composure and start crying on the phone--the last thing he needs--I feel like a horrible Army wife. That's the worst thing you can do when you're husband's deployed. I know I have to be strong for him so that he can be strong, and I'm really going to try to get myself into a "pattern" as Amy Lowell's calls it (see my previous "Leaving on a less intense note..." post). If I can get back into the deployment routine and get used to him being outside the wire all the time again, things will turn around.

So this week, I'm going to work on that routine and try to get the phone and CS issues taken care of. Hopefully that will take a little weight off. He leaves again in a few days, and next time when he gets back, I want to have it together. Going to do a lot of praying, school work, and catching up on sleep. Or at least trying to catch up on sleep. Not easy when my apartment complex is going to be infested with stupidly drunk college kids. I remember those days...I'm 21 and feel like I'm 40. I can't wait until he gets home and we can "never grow up" again.

The good news today: the "word" is on the FOB they're coming home a month earlier now, so that's 30-ish days I get so shave off of our countdown, which is always a blessing. David also got his new Nike SFB boots today that I sent him last week. He says they are amazing and even lighter than his Nike running shoes. We recommend them!

Also, David got his CAB today.

Congrats babe :)