It's been a while since I've written, for quite a good reason. I'm taking a break from my insane life so that I can explain why my life is insane. Mainly just for myself--to get it out "on paper" so I can get it out of my brain.
(1) My husband has been gone for 16 days today. No communication at all. Miserable. I finally broke down today. But I'm proud of myself for making it 16 days without doing so. He should be back tomorrow or Sunday, says some of the guys, so I'm praying on that. I miss him so much.
(2) SCHOOL IS CRAZY. It's my final 7 days of the semester. After I finish these 7 days, I only have student teaching to do, which I hear is a breeze. I had to take that huge Praxis II test (0041) in order to graduate. Today, the scores became available by phone for $30. On Dec. 6th, they'll be available on-line, for free. Yes, I called and paid $30 because I couldn't wait any longer. I had to get a 172 to pass for the state of VA. Virginia has the highest passing requirement in the country. I called about an hour ago and I got a 1-8-6! YES!! Such a huge relief and a motivation booster, because I totally thought I wasn't going to pass that. What do I need that motivation for, you ask? This is what I have due in the next 7 days:
Saturday (tomorrow): 10 page research paper that I have to read in a conference (that I have to attend from 10am to 5pm). This paper is on Virginia Woolf's androgynous vision in Flush: A Biography. I'm about to go to the library until it closes--at 4AM--and finish that.
Monday: An entire unit, with reflections and essays, due by midnight. Other people in my class who have finished have written anywhere between 80 and 100 pages. Hopefully mine will be in the 70-80 range.
Tuesday: My last day of teaching.
Wednesday: A 3-4 page "Literacy Autobiography" due in my Reading in the Content Area class. I have to talk about myself as a reader. This is a waste of my time.
Thursday: My Teacher Work Sample is due. The TWS is the culmination of my reflections, data, essays, lesson plans, worksheets, assessments, and so forth for the teaching I've been doing in the last month. My friend Ashley finished hers at over 200 pages. Joy.
Friday: A 4-5 page paper due on something Shakespeare. I haven't decided on what play yet. A 3-page paper on The Tempest and a 3-page paper on Henry IV Part I. And a 3-5 page final exam for American Literature.
I am doomed. But I will survive. I have no choice, or I don't get to move to Hawaii when my husband gets home, and I refuse to let that happen after us having to spend 2 years apart because I was in school. No more of that.
(3) In this midst of all of that, I have to move out of my apartment on Friday night. Thankfully, my parents are coming this Sunday to take half of my stuff home--which I'll still have to pack tomorrow or sometime in the next 2 days. That will make it a little easier for me to move out alone on the following weekend.
Help.
Showing posts with label suck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suck. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Angry at the World
Today I have been very bitter and angry. David and I often have these days, sometimes on the same days, sometimes different, and we understand it. Even though I know I'm so lucky to still have him, still have us, have the opportunities I do, I still get angry at the world. David cannot call me for at least a week, so I'm going to vent to my blog instead. Today I've been angry at (1) my inability to still be an athlete, (2) my lack of routine this semester, (3) just being in school in general, (4) and the obvious one, I want my husband home.
#1: My inability to still be an athlete.
From the time I was 5, I have been an athlete. I started playing soccer at that age, and just recently had to quit my team at school in order to give my full time and effort to the academic side of college. Soccer has always been my release, and it's always been where my confidence came from. Running sprints until I was barely breathing, all of the bruises, doing overtime in the gym, the muscles in my legs, that's where my strength has always come from. Physical strength has always been the source of my overall strength. Nowadays, our soccer field is in my apartment complex, and when I come home from class every night, I see the lights towering over the apartments, lighting the field where I know they're practicing at that very second. Instead of driving towards those lights, I have to keep on going so that I can get in my bed and fall asleep with a stack of books where my husband used to be. Just to work out alone would make me feel like myself, but I can't even do that. Between 19 credits and teaching at the same time, working out only stresses me out more. I tried it a few times this semester, and when I was done, I didn't feel accomplished. I felt like I had abandoned my school work for too long and now I was behind. So that leads me to #2 and #3.
#2: My lack of routine this semester.
This semester for one of my classes, I have to student-teach for 50 hours. MWF I have classes all day, so Tuesday's and Thursday's, I will be teaching from 8am-3pm. I started off this semester with those days open still, as I was waiting to hear from my university as to where I would be teaching. I used those days (during which I only have one night class) to do all of my work for that week. Well, I got my placement finally and started teaching on those days. I lost that time do my reading, and had to cram hundreds of pages of reading and papers into just 2-3 hours every evening. Any Senior English major can tell you that's not enough time to read. Then, I had a bad experience (not by my doing) at the school I was teaching at, and my university wanted to remove me from the environment. So now, I've stopped teaching and am waiting for yet another placement. This means my Tuesday's and Thursday's are open and I'm comfortable with having those days to do work again. Well, by the end of next week, I'm supposed to get my new placement, which means I'll be teaching again and have no time to read again. Can you see how this can be miserable for any college student who needs to time-manage? And even worse, for the wife going through a deployment who needs routine to keep the days moving fast and to keep her from losing it?
#3: School, in general.
I'm so burnt out with school. I just bought my Praxis II: 0041 test prep book from Books-A-Million. I took the practice test online and missed only 3 questions, which I feel is pretty decent. I'm so tired of reading its not funny. My kids will not be reading Aristotle, Plato, Horace, or any of these ancient, philosophical writers. Nor will they even be studying literary theory or anything near it. So why in the heck do I need to know it? I have headaches every single day because I spend 99% of my time awake reading tiny, black words on a page. That's with my glasses on. I read about five different literary critics, each whose essays are about 10 pages long and are on the same topic/idea. I take a quiz and am supposed to remember which one is which. No chance. I just want to teach. I have read more literature in the last 4 years than I will ever teach as long as I live. I don't want to win English Jeopardy. I just want to be in my classroom, reading The Great Gatsby or Lord of the Flies, teaching my students what a gerund is, showing them how to write an essay. I hate school.
#4: I need him home.
The inevitable. I have been looking through our pictures all day. Thinking about what it feels like to have a husband, a man, in my life. The toilet seats left up, the face hairs in the sink, the Army green socks scattered all over the place, the "Babe can you make me breakfast?" as soon as we wake up. There is something just perfect about the balance between man and woman. I never feel more "this-is-right-where-I-should-be" than when I am taking care of my husband--cleaning up after him, cooking for him, rubbing his back after work, shaving his neck. Not having my husband home makes me feel incomplete and unbalanced. I need his strength, his warmth, that safe feeling, the laughter, the whimsy. The pictures don't do his smile justice. I wouldn't be so angry at the world if he was home. I wouldn't be stressing over school if he was home, because he reminds me that I can get through it. He'd go to the gym with me, or better yet, go kick a ball around with me. He'd tell me I'm being crazy right now and to get over myself, and then hug me, and I would get over myself. But I don't know where he is, what he's doing, or when I'll hear from him again, so I'm supposed to find that strength somewhere--that strength that is currently MIA.
I am currently in my bed with the Praxis II book, a Norton Anthology of American Literature: Vol. D, a pen, and orange highlighter beside me. I think for tonight--seeing as it is my Fall Break--I'm going to put it all on the floor beside my bed, and sleep until I'm ready to start tomorrow off a better day. Well, maybe I'll put away the anthology and keep the Praxis book...
Updating: A few minutes after publishing this, I go check my Facebook. I'm a fan of Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives. Their current status: "Arise, cry aloud in the night at the beginning of the night watches; pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord. Lamentations 2:19" It's amazing the way He knows exactly what I need, and plants little things like that right in front of me right when I need them. I know where I have to get that strength from. There is no such thing is MY strength, it is only the strength that HE gives me.
PS: But I'm still going to read my Praxis book.
#1: My inability to still be an athlete.
From the time I was 5, I have been an athlete. I started playing soccer at that age, and just recently had to quit my team at school in order to give my full time and effort to the academic side of college. Soccer has always been my release, and it's always been where my confidence came from. Running sprints until I was barely breathing, all of the bruises, doing overtime in the gym, the muscles in my legs, that's where my strength has always come from. Physical strength has always been the source of my overall strength. Nowadays, our soccer field is in my apartment complex, and when I come home from class every night, I see the lights towering over the apartments, lighting the field where I know they're practicing at that very second. Instead of driving towards those lights, I have to keep on going so that I can get in my bed and fall asleep with a stack of books where my husband used to be. Just to work out alone would make me feel like myself, but I can't even do that. Between 19 credits and teaching at the same time, working out only stresses me out more. I tried it a few times this semester, and when I was done, I didn't feel accomplished. I felt like I had abandoned my school work for too long and now I was behind. So that leads me to #2 and #3.
#2: My lack of routine this semester.
This semester for one of my classes, I have to student-teach for 50 hours. MWF I have classes all day, so Tuesday's and Thursday's, I will be teaching from 8am-3pm. I started off this semester with those days open still, as I was waiting to hear from my university as to where I would be teaching. I used those days (during which I only have one night class) to do all of my work for that week. Well, I got my placement finally and started teaching on those days. I lost that time do my reading, and had to cram hundreds of pages of reading and papers into just 2-3 hours every evening. Any Senior English major can tell you that's not enough time to read. Then, I had a bad experience (not by my doing) at the school I was teaching at, and my university wanted to remove me from the environment. So now, I've stopped teaching and am waiting for yet another placement. This means my Tuesday's and Thursday's are open and I'm comfortable with having those days to do work again. Well, by the end of next week, I'm supposed to get my new placement, which means I'll be teaching again and have no time to read again. Can you see how this can be miserable for any college student who needs to time-manage? And even worse, for the wife going through a deployment who needs routine to keep the days moving fast and to keep her from losing it?
#3: School, in general.
I'm so burnt out with school. I just bought my Praxis II: 0041 test prep book from Books-A-Million. I took the practice test online and missed only 3 questions, which I feel is pretty decent. I'm so tired of reading its not funny. My kids will not be reading Aristotle, Plato, Horace, or any of these ancient, philosophical writers. Nor will they even be studying literary theory or anything near it. So why in the heck do I need to know it? I have headaches every single day because I spend 99% of my time awake reading tiny, black words on a page. That's with my glasses on. I read about five different literary critics, each whose essays are about 10 pages long and are on the same topic/idea. I take a quiz and am supposed to remember which one is which. No chance. I just want to teach. I have read more literature in the last 4 years than I will ever teach as long as I live. I don't want to win English Jeopardy. I just want to be in my classroom, reading The Great Gatsby or Lord of the Flies, teaching my students what a gerund is, showing them how to write an essay. I hate school.
#4: I need him home.
The inevitable. I have been looking through our pictures all day. Thinking about what it feels like to have a husband, a man, in my life. The toilet seats left up, the face hairs in the sink, the Army green socks scattered all over the place, the "Babe can you make me breakfast?" as soon as we wake up. There is something just perfect about the balance between man and woman. I never feel more "this-is-right-where-I-should-be" than when I am taking care of my husband--cleaning up after him, cooking for him, rubbing his back after work, shaving his neck. Not having my husband home makes me feel incomplete and unbalanced. I need his strength, his warmth, that safe feeling, the laughter, the whimsy. The pictures don't do his smile justice. I wouldn't be so angry at the world if he was home. I wouldn't be stressing over school if he was home, because he reminds me that I can get through it. He'd go to the gym with me, or better yet, go kick a ball around with me. He'd tell me I'm being crazy right now and to get over myself, and then hug me, and I would get over myself. But I don't know where he is, what he's doing, or when I'll hear from him again, so I'm supposed to find that strength somewhere--that strength that is currently MIA.
I am currently in my bed with the Praxis II book, a Norton Anthology of American Literature: Vol. D, a pen, and orange highlighter beside me. I think for tonight--seeing as it is my Fall Break--I'm going to put it all on the floor beside my bed, and sleep until I'm ready to start tomorrow off a better day. Well, maybe I'll put away the anthology and keep the Praxis book...
Updating: A few minutes after publishing this, I go check my Facebook. I'm a fan of Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives. Their current status: "Arise, cry aloud in the night at the beginning of the night watches; pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord. Lamentations 2:19" It's amazing the way He knows exactly what I need, and plants little things like that right in front of me right when I need them. I know where I have to get that strength from. There is no such thing is MY strength, it is only the strength that HE gives me.
PS: But I'm still going to read my Praxis book.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Just one of those days, or a lot of those days.
I just got back to my apartment from a day at home with the family. I went home to get our new phones, but then received an email that they won't get to my house until Monday. So looks like Monday I'm driving all the way back home. I have to go to Fort Lee anyways now to try this DA5888 one more time at their EFMP. Hopefully this time it'll be the right signatures and so forth. That will be the beginning to the $13,000+ back pay they owe us for the last 7 months of screwed up and "lost" paperwork. That sure does happen a lot in the Army. It's Oktoberfest Weekend here at Longwood University. Lots of bands (including Chuck Wicks, Young Joc, and Augustana). Everyone has friends from all over the state in to see the bands. I think 90% of the campus is already drinking (and probably drunk) right now and it's 5PM. What am I doing? Researching cars so that I can get a car in November or December when the new 2012's come in so that I can send it to Hawaii so David has a car there. We really like the 2010-2011 Ford Taurus, but they seem hard to come by because they just reintroduced the model. It isn't a grandma car anymore!
This weekend has been a tough one for me, and well, for us. I always thought that sending him back from R&R would be easier because we've done it before when he first deployed. Boy, was I wrong. Sending him back this time has been 100 times harder than the first time. I got used to having him safe in my arms again--I had forgotten what that felt like for the first half. It was a big 'ole tease of what it's going to be like when he's home for good. So I miss him even more than I ever did. Now that he's back and leaving the wire all the time, I feel as worried and miserable as when he first got there in April. This happened when he first left. For the first month and half, it just sucked. I was an emotional wreck, so stressed, and doing everything I could not to appear that way on the outside. I am there, once again. I am taking 19 credits (that's 6 classes--3 of which are 3-hour night classes), teaching from 8am to 3pm every Tuesday and Thursday on top of being a student, trying to get our command sponsorship paperwork done, trying to fix our pay that they've messed up for the last 7 months, trying to find a car for us, trying to switch to Verizon already. It is all so overwhelming to do alone. I always feel like everyone's staring at me thinking to themselves, "Poor girl. She looks like she's about to fall apart." Or "Good God, she looks like she hasn't slept in a week." I guess that's just how I feel on the inside, so I feel like it shows on the outside. Hopefully it doesn't. I know I'll get used to it again like last time. I just wish I would hurry up and get it together. I guess he just left two weeks ago, and I'm still trying to get into a routine with both teaching and classes this semester. I should probably give myself more credit, but when I break composure and start crying on the phone--the last thing he needs--I feel like a horrible Army wife. That's the worst thing you can do when you're husband's deployed. I know I have to be strong for him so that he can be strong, and I'm really going to try to get myself into a "pattern" as Amy Lowell's calls it (see my previous "Leaving on a less intense note..." post). If I can get back into the deployment routine and get used to him being outside the wire all the time again, things will turn around.
So this week, I'm going to work on that routine and try to get the phone and CS issues taken care of. Hopefully that will take a little weight off. He leaves again in a few days, and next time when he gets back, I want to have it together. Going to do a lot of praying, school work, and catching up on sleep. Or at least trying to catch up on sleep. Not easy when my apartment complex is going to be infested with stupidly drunk college kids. I remember those days...I'm 21 and feel like I'm 40. I can't wait until he gets home and we can "never grow up" again.
The good news today: the "word" is on the FOB they're coming home a month earlier now, so that's 30-ish days I get so shave off of our countdown, which is always a blessing. David also got his new Nike SFB boots today that I sent him last week. He says they are amazing and even lighter than his Nike running shoes. We recommend them!
Also, David got his CAB today.
This weekend has been a tough one for me, and well, for us. I always thought that sending him back from R&R would be easier because we've done it before when he first deployed. Boy, was I wrong. Sending him back this time has been 100 times harder than the first time. I got used to having him safe in my arms again--I had forgotten what that felt like for the first half. It was a big 'ole tease of what it's going to be like when he's home for good. So I miss him even more than I ever did. Now that he's back and leaving the wire all the time, I feel as worried and miserable as when he first got there in April. This happened when he first left. For the first month and half, it just sucked. I was an emotional wreck, so stressed, and doing everything I could not to appear that way on the outside. I am there, once again. I am taking 19 credits (that's 6 classes--3 of which are 3-hour night classes), teaching from 8am to 3pm every Tuesday and Thursday on top of being a student, trying to get our command sponsorship paperwork done, trying to fix our pay that they've messed up for the last 7 months, trying to find a car for us, trying to switch to Verizon already. It is all so overwhelming to do alone. I always feel like everyone's staring at me thinking to themselves, "Poor girl. She looks like she's about to fall apart." Or "Good God, she looks like she hasn't slept in a week." I guess that's just how I feel on the inside, so I feel like it shows on the outside. Hopefully it doesn't. I know I'll get used to it again like last time. I just wish I would hurry up and get it together. I guess he just left two weeks ago, and I'm still trying to get into a routine with both teaching and classes this semester. I should probably give myself more credit, but when I break composure and start crying on the phone--the last thing he needs--I feel like a horrible Army wife. That's the worst thing you can do when you're husband's deployed. I know I have to be strong for him so that he can be strong, and I'm really going to try to get myself into a "pattern" as Amy Lowell's calls it (see my previous "Leaving on a less intense note..." post). If I can get back into the deployment routine and get used to him being outside the wire all the time again, things will turn around.
So this week, I'm going to work on that routine and try to get the phone and CS issues taken care of. Hopefully that will take a little weight off. He leaves again in a few days, and next time when he gets back, I want to have it together. Going to do a lot of praying, school work, and catching up on sleep. Or at least trying to catch up on sleep. Not easy when my apartment complex is going to be infested with stupidly drunk college kids. I remember those days...I'm 21 and feel like I'm 40. I can't wait until he gets home and we can "never grow up" again.
The good news today: the "word" is on the FOB they're coming home a month earlier now, so that's 30-ish days I get so shave off of our countdown, which is always a blessing. David also got his new Nike SFB boots today that I sent him last week. He says they are amazing and even lighter than his Nike running shoes. We recommend them!
Also, David got his CAB today.
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| Congrats babe :) |
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