Tough Love

Tough love has been a mantra lately between our family member being arrested and David and I pushing each other through the rest of this deployment. I had one of my occasional (okay...frequent) breakdowns today due to none other than academic stress. I had 200 pages to read for my 11am class, Hamlet to read and write a paper in between 12pm and 230pm, class from 4 to 5:15pm, and a mock interview session from 7 to 9pm, and then I had to come back and make a preassessment to give to my students tomorrow, which I just finished. I have to wake up in less than six hours for work. Yeah, just a lot going on and not enough hours in the day to do it. It was an overwhelming day and so I complained about it on to the phone to David. Then, he asked me why that's all I talk about. That upset me at first because (1) I thought it was mean and (2) it made me realize I have no life outside of schoolwork, which makes me feel pretty lame. Number 2 was what really hit me. I just can't wait to have my life back after this semester. After I was all upset and mad he said it, we talked about it, and he said that it's more or less "tough love"--that sometimes I just have to hush and stop dwelling on the stress of it and just focus on pushing through. My semester is over in a MONTH! So, don't tell him I said this, but he's right. I'm almost done, and that's something to celebrate, which I did with Mexican and a $1.99 margarita special with my friend, Ashley. In the words of Dorrie, "Just keep swimming!"

Looking Frazzled

Well, these last few days have been more than rough, to where it's starting to show on the outside. I walked into my 4:00 class and the first thing out of  my professor's mouth was "Colleen, you are looking quite frazzled today." (Or something like that). I just said "Oh, I am." and told her about everything going on in my life right now. She's my adviser and I've had a few classes with her, so she's had insight into my life and how it's changed in the last few years. In other words, she's aware that I'm just about to lose it every day, so I always feel comfortable telling her about all the crazy things going on. Well, I'm just not a secretive, introverted person to begin with; I'm likely to tell anyone anything.

I went to the doctor and got medication and an exercise to do, and four days later, I hardly feel any difference. Of course, I haven't been taking the Flexeril (muscle relaxer) because it knocks me out for literally, like, 16 hours. Last night, the pain was bad enough that I emailed my 11:00am professor my mid-term paper that was due today and told him I was going to have to take the pain medication and be knocked out tomorrow morning. Thankfully he was understanding. Sure enough, I took the medication around 1:30am (I was up late writing a paper) and it wore off at around 1pm today. That's only half a pill. I'd be in trouble if I took a whole one. Anyway, because I'm not feeling any improvement, and at times it hurts worse than ever, I'm skeptical about the "muscle spasm" overuse diagnosis. I'm leaning more towards herniated disk in my cervical spine.

I start teaching again on Tuesday--oh, wait--tomorrow is Tuesday! Aaah! I'm always so nervous when I get a new classroom. You never know what your kids will be like or how they'll take to you. I always try to dress really flashy and cute on my first day so the kids will relate to my youth and think I'm "cool." As fake as that might be, it works with kids who are so focused on fashion and appearance. Then, once they get to know me and I get to know them, I can be more laid back and real with them. I'm doing a unit on Veteran's Day using Tim O'Brien's "The Things They Carried". I'm having  my students learn about historical fiction through the reading of the first chapter of that novel, and then they'll be writing their own narrative piece about something that they "carry" in a letter form. I'm going to send these letters to David's unit. I practiced this unit on my classmates, and in turned into a very emotional classroom experience. One girl in my class said that she carried the burden of her father's failed business and their economic hardships and she broke down in tears when she shared with the class. While those situations are awkward and a little uncomfortable, I embrace them. I think too often students are treated like robots who aren't real people. When you tap into the sense of community and relationships in the classroom, the entire year goes much better. All my future students better be prepared to do a lot of soul-searching amidst the English learning.

The big stress lately is in the family. A close family member of ours has landed himself in jail due to a horrible decision. He was arrested on the 26th, and he's been in jail for the past few days, but my husband has decided to bail him out, so he'll be out tomorrow until his sentencing in a month or two. We think he'll be sentenced to around two years. The entire family--me, my husband, my father-in-law's siblings--we've all been so torn. We're angry, sad, confused. It has been really hard for me to understand how he could do something like this when David is fighting a war for him. I'm so angry with him over that. He knew how much of a burden his actions would be on David. But then I know he's sick and he doesn't even realize what he's doing to himself and his family. And that makes me sad. And my heart is breaking for my husband, who is so hurt by all of it. And then I get angry again when I think that David was even put in the position to have to deal with this when he's deployed and should be focused on his job. I really felt--well feel--that he should have stayed in jail, because I don't think he's well enough to be exposed to a world plagued with alcohol and drugs right now. David was set on not bailing him out, and then all of a sudden changed his mind. I think David feels some sort of responsibility--like he has to save him. I feel that if David  being deployed and risking his life for him isn't enough to keep him away from slowly killing himself--and possibly others, then him bailing him out isn't going to be either. But my husband made his decision, and I'm going to support whatever he decides to do. I just hope I won't have to say "I told you so." I really care about this family member and love him like my own blood, and I just want him to get better. My husband is amazing, and he deserves the best family that God can provide. I want him to one day be able to have this person back in his life, sober, because that's what he deserves. This has really taken an emotional toll on me the last few days, and now that he has decided to bail him out, I'm even more stressed because I'm worried what will happen when this person is back in the real world, where he can just further destruct himself and others. A month or two months is a long time for someone to stay sober when they just got arrested for it a few days ago. I've realized that all I can do is pray for the best, and pray for understanding. David is handling it okay, but I know he's stressed and upset about it, too, especially today when he had to make the decision on whether or not to bail him out, when the rest of us think he should stay. I know he's going through so much, and I'm just praying for God to give me the right words to say to try and make things better and easier on him. So yeah, that's that.

19 A man of great anger will bear the penalty, FOR IF YOU RESCUE HIM, YOU WILL ONLY HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN. (Proverbs 19)

Also this week, we get our big paycheck for backpay. Tomorrow, actually. We're very excited that it's finally going to be in our account. This also means it's car-buying time. On Thursday I'm going to our credit union to get preapproved, and then this weekend I'll be car shopping. I have a Ford Edge, Nissan Xterras, and a few Jeep Commanders to look at. So that's exciting, but as much stressful as exciting. I just hope the financing and insurance processes go smoothly. My step-dad is going to help me through all of it seeing as David can't be here.

So yeah, there's an update on my current state in life. Things are pretty hectic, and my eyes have stayed puffy and red with tears. But I always remember that just the fact that my husband alive is enough to feel like I have the greatest life ever. Through the ups and downs, I love my life, I love my family, and I love the heck out of my husband.

Honey, I'm home!

I'm in my 3 hour night class (now an hour and fifteen minutes in) and it's break time. Literally 5 minutes before class started at 6, his ringer went off on my phone. I could barely contain myself! I missed the first 10 minutes of class because talking to him finally was so much better. I was holding back tears and sniffles I was so happy. And to hear how much he missed me, too, made these last 13 days just disappear. I could hear the excitement in his voice, which felt great. He even let me know that he "ran there" as soon as he could, even before he played with his new phone (He finally got my package). I thanked him for loving me more than the phone ;) All I can say is, the gift of a phone call, of the sound of someone's voice, is a gift from God. I feel so much better now.

I just got home after an hour and a half drive down a single long, dark highway. Thankfully there were no deer frolicking in the road this time.  I'm writing the rest of this a few hours later. I'm exhausted but I can never sleep at night. I have a pinched nerve in my neck which doesn't help. I can thank stress for that one. They also happen to people who sit at computers and/or read a lot, which is the story of my life. Looks like I better get used to it. It's weird because the back of my neck is actually numb to the touch. It freaked me out at first, but it's a common symptom.

I hadn't seen my puppies in two weeks, so they were soo excited when I walked in the front door. I love that feeling! When we have kids in the next few years, I can't wait for those huge smiles they have when you get them from their nap time.  They're so happy to see you. Everyone always asks us why we haven't had kids yet. If it wasn't for our unique situation, we probably would have started. However, we never got that fun, carefree time together that most couples get during their dating and engagement. We've spent, let's see, 3 months actually physically together out of the year and five months we've been together. So needless to say, we want our 15 months in Hawaii to be spent just us two, finally getting that time to be adventurous and live on a whim. Once we get back to VA and find jobs, then mission mini-Hirn will commence. So hopefully that clears the air on that subject.

It's after 11:30, which is well past my bedtime, so I'm going to try and clear my head of all the homework, finance, house-shopping, car-shopping stuff that constantly runs through it...Right...

And just an added bonus. He called me around 5:30 this morning. He had been on Facebook beforehand and wrote me a nice, long message about the last 13 days. Apparently two men died; the second one was a flight medic who I'm guessing wasn't in his unit. At the end of his message, he wrote:
"But as you know I'm safe and back so I can tell you how much I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can't even begin to say how much I missed you over the last week but I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from. :) Well you're probably sleeping but as soon as I get off here I will call you. I love you so much. -your husband ♥"
Who couldn't love him?  :)

Just one of those days, or a lot of those days.

I just got back to my apartment from a day at home with the family. I went home to get our new phones, but then received an email that they won't get to my house until Monday. So looks like Monday I'm driving all the way back home. I have to go to Fort Lee anyways now to try this DA5888 one more time at their EFMP. Hopefully this time it'll be the right signatures and so forth. That will be the beginning to the $13,000+ back pay they owe us for the last 7 months of screwed up and "lost" paperwork. That sure does happen a lot in the Army. It's Oktoberfest Weekend here at Longwood University. Lots of bands (including Chuck Wicks, Young Joc, and Augustana). Everyone has friends from all over the state in to see the bands. I think 90% of the campus is already drinking (and probably drunk) right now and it's 5PM. What am I doing? Researching cars so that I can get a car in November or December when the new 2012's come in so that I can send it to Hawaii so David has a car there. We really like the 2010-2011 Ford Taurus, but they seem hard to come by because they just reintroduced the model. It isn't a grandma car anymore!

This weekend has been a tough one for me, and well, for us. I always thought that sending him back from R&R would be easier because we've done it before when he first deployed. Boy, was I wrong. Sending him back this time has been 100 times harder than the first time. I got used to having him safe in my arms again--I had forgotten what that felt like for the first half. It was a big 'ole tease of what it's going to be like when he's home for good. So I miss him even more than I ever did. Now that he's back and leaving the wire all the time, I feel as worried and miserable as when he first got there in April. This happened when he first left. For the first month and half, it just sucked. I was an emotional wreck, so stressed, and doing everything I could not to appear that way on the outside. I am there, once again. I am taking 19 credits (that's 6 classes--3 of which are 3-hour night classes), teaching from 8am to 3pm every Tuesday and Thursday on top of being a student, trying to get our command sponsorship paperwork done, trying to fix our pay that they've messed up for the last 7 months, trying to find a car for us, trying to switch to Verizon already. It is all so overwhelming to do alone. I always feel like everyone's staring at me thinking to themselves, "Poor girl. She looks like she's about to fall apart." Or "Good God, she looks like she hasn't slept in a week." I guess that's just how I feel on the inside, so I feel like it shows on the outside. Hopefully it doesn't. I know I'll get used to it again like last time. I just wish I would hurry up and get it together. I guess he just left two weeks ago, and I'm still trying to get into a routine with both teaching and classes this semester. I should probably give myself more credit, but when I break composure and start crying on the phone--the last thing he needs--I feel like a horrible Army wife. That's the worst thing you can do when you're husband's deployed. I know I have to be strong for him so that he can be strong, and I'm really going to try to get myself into a "pattern" as Amy Lowell's calls it (see my previous "Leaving on a less intense note..." post). If I can get back into the deployment routine and get used to him being outside the wire all the time again, things will turn around.

So this week, I'm going to work on that routine and try to get the phone and CS issues taken care of. Hopefully that will take a little weight off. He leaves again in a few days, and next time when he gets back, I want to have it together. Going to do a lot of praying, school work, and catching up on sleep. Or at least trying to catch up on sleep. Not easy when my apartment complex is going to be infested with stupidly drunk college kids. I remember those days...I'm 21 and feel like I'm 40. I can't wait until he gets home and we can "never grow up" again.

The good news today: the "word" is on the FOB they're coming home a month earlier now, so that's 30-ish days I get so shave off of our countdown, which is always a blessing. David also got his new Nike SFB boots today that I sent him last week. He says they are amazing and even lighter than his Nike running shoes. We recommend them!

Also, David got his CAB today.

Congrats babe :)